Sunday, September 24, 2017
Last updated: 2 years ago

Wines that scream fruit loops, potato chips and exam fails

Photo Kai Jacobson/The Ubyssey

Recently I spilled wine all over my laptop’s keyboard. The left shift key refused to listen to me and getting past the royal guards (the password screen) was impossible.

If you’ve found yourself in a similar end-of-the-world situation, the solution is simple: more wine.

Pair these wines with your last-minute projects, final exam studying, or your sad little college meals.

2011 Yalumba Y Series Viognier

Price: $17.99 (BC Liquor Stores)

Viognier is known for exuding characteristics of spiced stone fruit, floral notes, and an oilier texture. Comfort wine!

Although the winery describes aromas of “honeysuckle, poached quinces, and mandarin peel”, I swear that this stuff smells like Fruit Loops. That’s right: a liquid breakfast, for when desperate times call for desperate measures.

Viognier can oftentimes smell too much like the unnecessarily overpowering perfume of that old lady that you’re crammed next to on the 99, but this is a well-balanced, fruity and dry comfort wine. Save Riesling for the crowd that knows they’re going to pass their exams: this stuff is just for you and me.

Also Try:
- Oxford Landing Estates Viognier ($12.99, Liberty Wine Merchants – Commercial Drive)
- Cono Sur Viognier ($10.99, BC Liquor Stores)

Jaume Serra Cristalino Cava Brut

Price: $17.99 (Liberty Wine Merchants – Point Grey)

I can hear you. Literally. I know you’re that one person in class who struggles to get their noisy bag of chips open. Lucky for you, there’s a wine that you can pair with those Frito Lays.

Cava, like Champagne, is made in the traditional method, which can give it a yeasty quality. For all y’all biochemistry geeks out there: this happens because the yeast undergoes autolysis. The yeastiness pairs with your potato chips; the bubbles go with the crunchy texture, and the bright acidity wipes your palette clean of all that fat. Sparkling wines are quite versatile, so experiment. Grilled cheese! Fries! Chips! Pizza! FRIED THINGS!

Also Try:
- Segura Viudas Brut Reserva ($15.99, BC Liquor Stores)
- Opera Prima Brut ($14.99, Liberty Wine Merchants – Point Grey)

2010 Pacific Breeze Late Harvest Riesling

Price: $14.99 (Liberty Wine Merchants – Point Grey)

Let’s say you fail. Let’s say you end up crumbling into the fetal position and rock yourself to sleep with a mickey of Smirnoff clutched in your hand instead of what should’ve been Gateman’s textbook.

Well hey! You’d literally look just like a late harvest Riesling grape that’s been left on the vine to dry up and get concentrated. That’s just like you. You can probably pair this with all those unhealthy Tim Hortons donuts you’re always eating. Drink this as a constant reminder that even though you might fail, you still have juicy liquids inside you that taste delicious. That came out wrong, but you get the point. You’re still a star.

Also Try:
- Errazuriz Late Harvest Sauvignon Blanc ($15.99, BC Liquor Stores)
- 2006 Chateau Loupiac-Gaudiet ($21.99, Liberty Wine Merchants – Commercial Drive)